Caddyshack Part Two (or *!#*@!* gophers!)

They're mocking me.

Okay, my yard looks like crap. Huge mounds of dirt all over the slope. I went out there this morning to find three new holes. I moved the trap from one place to the other, only to find the little bugger had blocked the hole in front of the trap. So the trap didn't do anything. To make me feel even more frustrated, my friend who came over to help me set the traps set one in her front yard this morning and caught one today. Apparently I have the more intelligent gophers, while hers don't understand that they can circumvent the traps. I put one trap on the slope and then moved it to another location later because there was a fresh hole right next to the chewed-down-to-the-dirt gladiolus. (side note: I thought these things ate the roots. They aren't supposed to eat the plants from the TOP!) Well, he went around the first hole and dug another hole within 4 inches of the first one. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE FIRST BLEEPING HOLE? I had taken the trap out of it before he made the new hole!

Went to Lowe's and got a different trap. Couldn't figure out how to use it and it didn't come with instructions.

Hubby came home. Sat down for a while to figure out the trap. No luck. This one didn't come with directions and cost $8 something. The other ones were two for $10, but they don't catch gophers, so what difference does it make. No bargain on either of them. Took it back to Lowe's along with the Castor Oil granules (said for moles, not gophers, so hubby said take it back). SO, now what?

6am - Went out there with Scott at 4:30am. No gophers. Well, they are there, just not in the traps. I must have gophers with PHD's! Two new holes next to the tomato plants. Gonna try flooding them out. Sister in law said that worked for them. Then they sat and waited and popped em with a BB gun. Can't do that. The neighbors would complain. Hmmm. Lady up the street said they used ultrasonic things in the ground and they went away. Yeah, they came to MY house.

This sucks. I am being totally proactive, but they just won't get in the darned traps. Perfectly good holes, and they make new ones next to them! Are they just bored or are they doing it to spite me? So, here is my top ten list of ways to get rid of gophers and, this will change order depending on what ends up working:

10. Dried blood
9. Poison
8. Dried fox urine
7. Castor Oil
6. Stupid trap we couldn't figure out and took back
5. Propane (but how do you get it in there?)
4. Water flood
3. Hose attached to car exhaust pipe and other end in hole
2. Flares
1. Stupid trap we could figure out but doesn't work

How many new holes will there be today? How many plants are eaten today? I need to get more traps. They aren't working. I need a new plan. I am losing sleep at night . Dumb gophers. Smart gophers. Dumb person. Smart person? I will be when I figure it out. Then they'll be sorry...

Beginning to know exactly how Bill Murray felt in CS. This is all-consuming. Don't want to go anywhere in case the trap ends up working. No, I do want to go get more traps and put them in front of every stinking hole they made.

And from what I hear, a lot of people have gopher stories. Feel free to share...